Friday, December 26, 2014

How to Use A Public Restroom with a Toddler in 45 Easy Steps

If you have a toddler you'll inevitably endure the joy that is potty training, and better yet for advanced  level mommies - potty training in public restrooms. But never fear fellow moms - here is my guide to how to use a public restroom with a toddler in just 45 easy steps!

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  1. Upon arrival at restroom begin your 15 second interval reminder "don't touch anything!" 
  2. Begin negotiations with toddler that they are going to go potty. Yes here, yes - now.
  3. Pray the handicap option is open because you'll need to shove yourself, toddler, older child and stroller all in there together. 
  4. Begin lining toilet with copious amounts of toilet paper that will fall off at least once because your toddler is twirling causing it to fall off (but at least for these 5 seconds - isn't touching anything while twirling) 
  5. Re-line toilet with copious amounts of toilet paper. 
  6. Begin negotiations with toddler that they can't line the toilet with paper, because it's a mommy job. 
  7. View the look of the devil in their eye as toddler sizes up how mad you'll get if they knock said toilet paper off the toilet again and verbally warn them not to touch the toilet paper. 
  8. Pull down pull up and acknowledge toddlers excitement and pride that yes, his penis is still there and look mommy it's his penis. 
  9. Position child tenuously on toilet seat while toddler expresses concerns about their falling in, that you have found the one and only potty for GIANTS, and that they don't have to go potty anyway. 
  10. Once placement is confirmed monitor child's hand grip as to assure they not touch the bare (barf) toilet seat. 
  11. If a boy stuff large wad of toilet paper to deflect any mis-aimed urination. Pee on my shoes once, my bad. Pee on my shoes twice - clearly mommy hasn't caught on.. 
  12. Begin negotiations with toddler about what they will do on the toilet - poop? pee? the world is their oyster - digress to telling them they can do #1, #2 or #1 AND #2 - it's up to them. 
  13. Agree with toddler as they adamantly inform you only #1 is on the table for discussion. 
  14. Answer toddler questions about what every noise in the bathroom is. 
  15. Answer toddler inquiry about if you too will go potty, and if so - when and where and how. 
  16. Respond to older child's complaint that they now too have to pee - SUPER BADLY! and assure older child toddler will be done in just a moment and then they can go. 
  17. Begin talks with toddler to hurry up and go pee pee - to which sensing their siblings distress has decided to try for #2, which will no doubt take upwards of a century to complete.
  18. Strain to hear if any tinkling has taken place, which is hard to hear over the induced toddler grunting as they attempt for #2. 
  19. Check pull up for wetness, if wet reply to demands for a new pull up with a different character because the one your brought is the WRONG ONE. 
  20. Assure toddler all the Jake pull ups are in the car and you will change them into it upon arrival at the car. 
  21. Pray toddler will forget that promise. 
  22. Rip off old pull up, weave on new pull up all while being verbally chastised for your poor taste in pull up characters. 
  23. Begin additional encouragement to hurry the process along as older child begins to do the pee-pee dance. 
  24. Warn toddler they have only a minute to complete process and assure a treat if process is completed within the minute. 
  25. Begin negotiations on who will flush the toilet. 
  26. Explain to toddler through their now streaming tears and red face that toilets at the mall cannot be flushed by big kids - only mommies are allowed the honor.
  27. Decide toddler potty time is up and remove child from toilet completely unsure if toddler has completed said business. 
  28. Pull on pull up and acknowledge that it is, in fact, still the incorrect pull up. 
  29. Begin multi-attempt re-lining process single-handedly as you restrain toddler from trying to flush toilet. 
  30. Now use legs as well in this full body experience to guide toddler away from the tampon box can and back toward the bathroom door. 
  31. Set older child on potty. 
  32. Begin negotiations with toddler for washing hands, answer questions about how, where and why this event shall take place. 
  33. Direct toddler not to unlock the bathroom door or touch - anything. 
  34. Remove older child from potty, confirm adequate wiping. 
  35. Reassure toddler once again only mommies can flush toilet. 
  36. Direct toddler toward sinks. 
  37. Lift toddler amidst kicking and yelling that they want to push the soap themselves. 
  38. Attempt to soap up hands enough to disinfect them and dissuade your worries that they have now become carrier monkeys of some awful illness from somehow touching something you didn't see. 
  39. Lean toddler to the faucet amidst toddler doing 'the worm' mid-air because they want to turn the water on themselves. 
  40. Get splashed in the face as toddler enjoys the unexpected wildly inappropriate pressure of said faucet.
  41. Begin negotiations regarding how many pieces of paper towel toddler deems appropriate for drying off. 
  42. Begin negotiations with toddler for how to dispose of said paper towel - don't touch the garbage can - ugh - too late. 
  43.  Plop toddler in stroller as you help older child with hand washing and wash hands yourself. 
  44. Emerge from public restroom battle worn quite certain victorious isn't close to how you feel. 
  45. Remind yourself there is a reason you don't leave the house that often.


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